


Welcome Back, Assholes

by CaffeinatedFlumadiddle



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: A few thousand years of rest did not prepare him for this, Attempt at Humor, Explicit Language, Gen, Gwaine crashing an AA meeting kind of inappropriate, He's tired, Humor, Inappropriate Humor, Leon punches a priest, Merlin is So Done (Merlin), Warning:, but like, not sexually inappropriate, really they all just don't know what's happening, some of these aren't very appropriate, the knights are trying so hard to understand modern times, they all MEAN well
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-15
Updated: 2019-12-23
Packaged: 2020-09-30 18:04:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20451308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaffeinatedFlumadiddle/pseuds/CaffeinatedFlumadiddle
Summary: "I LIVED!"Merlin closed his eyes. He could have predicted Gwaine's arrival into the modern world would be bad...He hadn't anticipated Leon's to be worse. Leon and Lancelot were supposed to be easiest of them all. The crowd all turned. The knight in question was still dressed in his armor, hands risen high to signal his triumph as he looked around. Merlin awkwardly cleared his throat and pushed himself through."Merlin?" He asked when he caught sight of him "You survived as well! I knew you would persevere against the trials of life as any man should. Death cannot claim us!" A woman in the crowd sobbed "Why do you look so strange?" He asked and Merlin tried to ignore the angry whispers and glares thrown their way."Let's talk about it after the funeral."OrIn which the time has arrived for all who have fallen to rise again. Unfortunately, they are rising in the worst ways possible (Now updated with a second chapter with what Arthur was doing during all of this BS because Merry Christmas).





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I promise I'm a good person.

The truth of immortality is after thousands of years and millions of hours and endless minutes on earth...You run out of things to do.

Merlin was pretty sure he had completed every bucket list anyone had ever made. Skydiving, motorcycles, writing books (under pennames obviously), earning at least twenty different degrees, visiting every country the world had to offer (twice), sneaking into government protected facilities...He had done it all. It was boring. You could only secretly save the universe so many times before you begin to wonder if maybe humanity would be better off destroyed.

He had since decided he would focus on the simpler things in life. After all, he liked doing good things in a variety of ways.

"Good work everyone!" He said from where he was sitting in the circle of chairs. "I'm glad to hear all your progress." He smiled and the group all grinned back from where they were sitting. Some looked more wary than others but he was pretty pleased that everyone was at least here. From outside, there was a small knock on the door. Merlin frowned. It was nearing the end of the session. He needed to get home and investigate why there were suddenly twelve dogs at his house (true story, a bunch of dogs just...Appeared in his room one day without any explanation).

"I got it." Layla, one of the older members, said with a roll of her eyes as she went to stomp over towards the door. Merlin went to check his list again. Huh. Maybe it was somebody new...In that case, they should probably prepare for-

"MERLIN!"

_What?_

Everyone in the room froze as Layla stood next to where the door had been thrown open to reveal a man in armor and a sword strapped to his side. A few scrambled away, hands raised high at the weapon. Merlin stared. It...It wasn't _possible_.

He had been waiting all these years for _Arthur_ to return. He had never considered...

"_Gwaine?"_ He asked, choking a little on his words as the knight looked blankly around the room. He had no idea how Gwaine had gotten here or how long he had been around. Despite the obvious confusion in his eyes at seeing people in strange clothing and inside a bizarre building that was cold despite the sweltering heat outside he smiled. A few people squeaked as he approached.

"So this shit happens when I'm sober too?" Someone muttered.

"My old friend!" Gwaine beamed and Merlin tried to process it all as the other man pulled up a chair to sit in. "I must say, I am very confused as to what's going on. Who are your friends?" He asked, gesturing to the group. One guy had taken out his cellphone and was wordlessly taking pictures. Merlin was still processing his words when Layla spoke up from where she had come back from the door.

"This is Alcoholics Anonymous, dude." She told him, crossing her arms over her chest. Gwaine blinked, mouthing the words to himself before brightening.

"A meeting _about_ alcohol? Oh I have come to the right place!" He beamed, rubbing his hands together "I have been roaming for hours in search of a way to quench my thirst. Shall I get us all the finest mead at a nearby tavern?" He asked, flicking his hair back. There was a pause.

"Sure." One of the guys said and the entire group turned to him.

"_No."_ Some of them growled while others seemed to be looking at Gwaine with a sort of intrigue at the proposition. That wasn't good. A few of the most baffled settled for simply glowering at the knight. Gwaine only beamed back, nonplussed by the reaction.

"Ah. Perhaps another time, my friends. Tell me. Where _would_ I find the nearest mead?"

Oh God. Merlin needed to step in but he was still too shocked to move.

"Who still drinks _mead?"_ Layla snorted "I used to drink whiskey when I wanted to get hammered."

"...whiskey?" Gwaine repeated "I have not heard of such a thing."

"Um," Merlin managed "No. Wait-"

"Damn. I could go for some whiskey." The boy from earlier said "That and some tequila shots." He hummed and the group murmured in something between disapproval and agreement. "Random guy, have you had tequila shots?"

"I have not!" Gwaine informed him happily "Though I will gladly taste all the fine wine for you."

"It isn't a wine," Someone else said "It's...Wait. Do you really not know about alcohol? Like cocktails? Hard liquor?"

"...no." Gwaine frowned "But I _do_ know about alcohol. I am quite the fan of it." He added, dusting off his shoulders. A few people snorted.

"Clearly."

"I am! Are you challenging my word?" The knight asked, narrowing his eyes.

"Okay!" Merlin said loudly managing to pull himself together "Hi. Wow. Gwaine." He managed, standing up "This is...Not ideal. Gwaine, you have to leave." He said, tugging at his arm "I'll take you to my house."

"Your what?" Gwaine demanded and shook his head "I wish to prove my gall first. You say I don't know about alcohol?" He asked the group, jutting out his chin "Then I challenge _each _of you to drinking contest!"

"NOPE!" Merlin said loudly, dragging him out of the chair. A few people gasped in offense while Layla and some others continued to look at him in consideration. "_No."_ He added fiercely to them, "I am so sorry about this. He will not be returning."

"COWARDS!" Gwaine yelled "I could outdrink all of you!"

"_Why?!"_ Merlin whispered, still trying to yank him out "Gwaine, I am begging you to not do this. Please. Shut up." He said through gritted teeth as he managed to get him to the door.

"YOU BETTER PRACTICE! BECAUSE THE NEXT TIME WE MEET, MY FOES...I WILL DEMOLISH YOU IN OUR DRINKING CONTEST!"

After all these years...Fate still found ways to make his life harder.

* * *

Needless to say, Gwaine was _not_ allowed to go to the funeral Merlin had been invited to the next week. Not that he thought Gwaine would be disrespectful on purpose but the man was still adapting to the modern world...And the _last_ thing he needed was him shooting a flaming arrow at the casket. It was just better for him to be at the house and watch the twelve dogs that Merlin was still confused as to how he acquired. He was suspicious his magic was acting up.

Of course, he wondered much later, how bad his friend's appearance would have been compared to what actually happened.

The funeral was in a church, picture placed in front of the room with the priest speaking with nods and wide gestures as mourners cried and gave rueful laughs at memoirs. Merlin was all to familiar with it. He had been to almost every kind of funeral there was and nothing ever seemed to fill the numbing emptiness during whatever ceremony had been chosen. The priest continued his speech with the organ playing in the background right until a stained glass window shattered.

Glass spilled over the floor as people screamed and scattered about. From the rubble where the organ player had stopped abruptly, a figure rose. 

"I LIVED!"  
  
Merlin closed his eyes. He could have predicted Gwaine's arrival into the modern world would be bad...He hadn't anticipated Leon's to be worse. Leon and Lancelot were supposed to be easiest of them all. The crowd all turned. The knight in question was still dressed in his armor, hands risen high to signal his triumph as he looked around. Merlin awkwardly cleared his throat and pushed himself through.  
  
"Merlin?" He asked when he caught sight of him "You survived as well! I knew you would persevere against the trials of life as any man should. Death cannot claim us!" A woman in the crowd sobbed "Why do you look so strange?" He asked and Merlin tried to ignore the angry whispers and glares thrown their way.  
  
"Let's talk about it after the funeral." He whispered and Leon glanced over his shoulder.

"This? A funeral?" He snorted "We aren't even near a river. This is a lousy-" He started until Merlin slapped a hand over his mouth. Nope. No. He didn't deserve this. Leon pushed his hand away, turning to look around. His eyes fell on the casket and he turned to Merlin. "Is that the fallen?" He asked and Merlin glanced around to where people were trying to figure out how to react to the situation.

"Um, yes. But listen-"

"I shall pay my respects." Leon told him and Merlin groaned. The man seemed determined though as he walked towards the front of the church. Right. This might be fine. It wasn't like Leon would stab the corpse or anything.

Well...Okay. He kind of jinxed himself on that last part.

"_Sorcery!"_ Leon spluttered, pulling out his sword. Without thinking, he tapped into his magic so he could send the knight's weapon flying. Great. He hoped nobody noticed his glowing eyes in the midst of the chaos. Leon looked baffled by his sword suddenly being thrown across the room and held up his fists.

Fun Fact: Merlin had never told Leon about his magic despite him being one of the few that lived past Camlann. Why? This was mainly due to a variety of reasons which included the fact it was actually many years since they saw one another again. Camelot kind of fell into the midst of chaos after Arthur died and it took Gwen some time to regain control of everything. When Merlin _did_ see him again it was...Well. When Leon died.

He had the _worst_ luck, honestly.

Merlin rushed over, unsure what part of the event had made Leon think sorcery. Granted, it could be pretty much anything from seeing a cellphone to the fact a picture of the deceased was next to the casket.

"My child, _please_ calm yourself..." The priest said, taking a step towards him. Leon narrowed his eyes. "This is a house of God."

"Of God?" Leon repeated uncertainly. Merlin paused. Christianity had sort of been a thing in Camelot. Granted, Uther hadn't been a fan of it because of the whole Jesus granting miracles thing (too close to sorcery apparently) but Leon would have at least _heard _of it. "Why deprive this man of a proper funeral? He should be laid to rest in a river where his soul can find peace. He should not be in any god's home."

Right. Merlin better intervene before this turned into a religious debate by mistake.

"Leon, things are done differently here!" He called, stepping over some shattered glass. "This is a perfectly respectable funeral, I promise." He tried and Leon blinked at him, eyes flicking him up and down.

"They have enchanted you." He said with a shake of his head "And put you in strange clothes...That device around your neck is choking you!"

"It's called a tie-"

"It's called a noose!" Leon howled before turning to the priest "Release my friend from your magic or face the consequences."

"Leon, _no_."

"You think a _church_ entertains the idea of _magic_?" The priest scowled. Merlin winced. "Of witchcraft?!"

"A church? You said this was a house of God!"

So maybe Leon knew less about Christianity than he thought. Whoops. That was fine. He could fix this. He kept Arthur Pendragon alive for years. He could keep a newly risen knight from stabbing somebody.

"You must be very ill." The priest noted. Merlin sighed. Yes, this was Leon's fault. No argument there but this guy needed to run away like everyone else. He turned to Merlin. "This is _your_ friend?" He asked and shook a finger in Merlin's face before grabbing his arm to drag him over. "Young man, you-"

"RELEASE HIM!" Leon shouted, enraged and before Merlin could react, threw his fist forward.

Oh dear. The priest stumbled back, gripping his nose as he choked out alarmed gasps. Merlin nodded to himself. Yeah...That seemed about right. The only real consolation at the moment was that he knew Jacob (the guy in the casket, hi) would have _loved_ that his funeral had gone so awry. Merlin jumped forward to grab his friend, trying to navigate him out of the church.

"He looks to be nobility. I have the right to challenge him to a duel."

"Leon, you punched a priest. We are leaving or so help me _God_."

"This is his house, no? I challenge _him_ too!"

"Funnily enough...You kind of already have."

* * *

So now he had Leon and Gwaine here. Fun.

In order to try to adjust them as smoothly as possible to modern life he kept them both inside while he explained most of...Everything. From his magic in Camelot to the prophecy to his immortality to how the world had changed to...Now. It was all a lot, he knew so he had an idea on how to help them understand exactly how much had happened.

"...a museum." Leon repeated as they stepped inside the building. "This is where they keep treasure?"

"Um. Yes and no." Merlin told them as he led them past a few wary tourists. Gwaine paused to stare at a nude statue until Merlin and Leon circled back to collect him. "It is a collection of artifacts throughout history. The museum keeps them safe but also allows us to see them." He explained and pointed to a painting on the wall. "Guess who that is."

Leon leaned forward and read the plaque.

"...Alfred the Great. The King of Wessex."

"You cheated, but okay." Merlin rolled his eyes "He came along a couple hundred years after you guys. Technically, he's related to you, Gwaine."

Gwaine stared. Merlin supposed he probably should have started it off with 'you didn't have a kid' considering how white the man went.

"Your sister," He reminded him "Your sister had a children and Alfred was descended from her children's children's...Children." He said, trying to do the math, and Gwaine's expression cleared. "He's actually one of the greatest kings in English history." He told them, looking at the painting. He had always liked Alfred. Another king he strove to protect and advise. Alfred had lived to fifty so at least he was more successful there.

"Greater than Arthur?" Gwaine asked, looking giddy at the idea. Leon scowled.

"Well...Actually, Arthur is kind of a legend." He sighed. The pair stared. "There isn't much evidence that him - or any of you - were real. People think he's like a storybook character." He admitted, stuffing his hands into his pockets. It was a bit of a bitter situation for him. Merlin had fought so hard for his friend...And now his feats would be scoffed at as tales of children.

"Oh." Gwaine frowned "Um...Some of that stuff over there looks like it is from our time." He tried, pointing a bit towards the opposite end of the museum. Merlin nodded. There was a very small selection of items and most were disintegrated or falling apart but... He supposed a few things had held up. He was leading them over when a loud voice caught his attention.

"It's mine!"

Here they go again...

"Sir, this belongs to the museum." Someone replied and Gwaine hit Leon's shoulder in excitement, probably also recognizing the first voice. Slowly, the leaned over to see a very perturbed Elyan pointing at helmet encased in glass. Like the other two, he was dressed in his armor which probably didn't make the employee he was talking to any more at ease.

"I know no _museum_," Elyan spat "I just know that helmet is rightfully mine. It was even inscribed the my sister - _the queen herself." _He added and Merlin could see the confusion rise more at that comment. No doubt they probably thought he was referring to Elizabeth II. "And you have clearly taken awful care of it! It has rust on it and the metal looks so weak." He complained.

"Hi Elyan!" Leon called. "They stole your helmet?" He asked and Merlin cleared his throat, glaring at him as Elyan spun around with a gasp.

"My friends!" He beamed "You...Where _are_ we?" He whispered "I see you are dressed like the residents of this strange land but I can't say I understand the practicality of such clothes...And they _restrict_ the use of things like swords!" He added loudly over his shoulder and Merlin closed his eyes.

"Did you try to bring a sword in here?"

"The man up front said I couldn't bring it in." Elyan grumbled "This doesn't look to be a dining hall or peace chamber to me so I'm not sure _why_ I had to hand it over. Nevertheless, I still have my knives so no worries."

"Lucky!" Gwaine grumbled "Merlin wouldn't let us bring any knives."

Right...This could have gone a lot worse. If getting strange looks in a museum was all this entailed than Merlin could totally handle that. Patting Elyan's arm in welcome, he brushed past to where the employee was watching with askance.

"Hi." He greeted, leading them away from exhibit towards an empty hallway "I'm so sorry about my friend. It's a long story. I can get him out of here. I just-"

Whatever else he was about to say was cut off by a large crash and the wailing of an alarm. Merlin swallowed. Okay. So...Maybe he had overestimated his friends a little here. Clearly, he couldn't leave them alone for more than five seconds. Another employee came bursting in, walkie-talkie in hand.

"Martin. Some guy just stole the fifth century helmet!" She said, gasping for breath. Alright. Understandable. He wanted to helmet back. Merlin could fix this "Also, in trying to get away with it he ruined four artifacts. One of our statues are in pieces. A da Vinci painting is on fire."

...how the _Hell_ did they get to the da Vinci section so fast?!

Merlin stood up but the man pointed a finger at him, face red with anger. From somewhere in the museum he could hear more crashing. Probably more priceless historical pieces that could never be recovered. He looked up at the ceiling.

"_You,"_ The employee growled "Are being arrested as an accomplice for this."

"You'll have to keep him here for awhile. The police are dealing with that bank robbery a few blocks down the road." The other employee added in warily.

Normally, Merlin might laugh. With his magic he had nothing to fear in terms of being caught. Hell, he could maybe even repair the museum...Maybe. Kind of. At any rate, being locked up wasn't a threat. He could even escape now if he wanted to. He could grab the knights, let Elyan keep his damn helmet and get them all away from this place free and unscathed.

Instead he just nodded.

"Yeah...Yeah, that sounds fair."

* * *

The Olympics were always fun. Merlin hadn't actually been alive when they were created (signifying how freaking old the tradition was) but he had since made it a goal to attend every single one since they started back up again. A fruitful tradition as it turned out because if he had seen this on TV...Well. Yeah. It would have been unfortunate if he wasn't there for this one.

"...this tastes weird." Gwaine informed him bitterly as he stuffed another fistful of popcorn in his mouth "I'm going to eat it but it tastes _weird_."

"I believe it to be cursed." Elyan informed him, narrowing his eyes at the popcorn. "Merlin says it isn't sorcery but," He snorted "I saw it turn from a seed to a white thing like that." He said, snapping his fingers. "Magic if I ever saw it."

"Magic tastes weird then." Gwaine shrugged and bit into another handful. Leon was looking at his shirt, mouthing the words written on it as they sat down in their sears.

"Merlin?" He asked "What exactly is an...Eagle of American?" He asked, tilting his head.

"American Eagle is the store the shirt is from." Merlin answered. He had planned to just let them all borrow his clothes for awhile, but for some reason his closet was strangely missing things. It might have been his magic again, but it was still frustrating. In the end he just went to the outlet mall and bought some random stuff. He leaned in, ignoring when Leon mouthed 'store' in confusion as he gestured for everyone to listen. "So, this is a good place to learn more about countries."

"You mean kingdoms."

"Nope. I mean countries." Merlin corrected "Kingdoms aren't really a thing anymore. I mean, technically there is the United Kingdom but...Nevermind. Let's not get into that." He said after seeing Elyan tilted his head to the side "Um...So countries are similar to kingdoms except they aren't ruled by kings and queens that have all the power. Usually power is distributed among a bunch of people or there is some other system."

"So...You come here to compete to see who has the strongest leader?" Leon said, hitting the armrest of the seat "Very good. How do the leaders fight? Battle axe? Swords? Is it to the death or just to the point of humiliation?"

Merlin nodded. Right. He had gotten twenty-six different teaching credentials over the course of his eternal life and he still wasn't prepared for this.

"Um, as amazing as that sounds, no. This is just athletic competitions among citizens the countries. So, uh..._England_. Right? England is where Camelot used to be! So we're going to cheer on the English athlete today." He said, gesturing towards the arena "It's the fencing competition." He explained. The three stared blankly.

"Sword fighting. It's...It's sword fighting." He corrected himself with a sigh.

"Why is their armor so strange?" Gwaine frowned, mouth full of popcorn "And...Their swords look _weak_."

"It's not the same sword fighting you are used to...but, look. There's our guy. Marcus Johnson." He pointed to the crowd where one of the athletes were getting ready. Immediately the three leaned forward to get a better look. "He is pretty awesome. His parents died when he was two-years-old and the orphanage he was brought to was awful. He ran away from there when he was nine and started living on the streets. Long story short, he managed to save the queen's life and she paid for him to go to school and to learn fencing. He's basically a national hero."

"...you said there were no queens here." Leon whispered suspiciously. Merlin pinched the bridge of his nose. Right.

"Just...Watch them fight. Cheer on Marcus."

"Hey," Elyan noted "You know who this Marcus looks like? He's identical to-"

"YOU CAN DO IT SON OF JOHN!" Gwaine interrupted, pumping his fist the air "BRING HONOR TO YOUR FALLEN HOUSE IN WHICH YOU HAVE RISEN FROM THE ASH TO BURN FOR ETERNITY!"

"Alright," Merlin leaned back into his chair "Good talk."

The rest of the event went well for a few more hours. The three knights were well behaved (all things considered) and there had been no chaos of fighting other than what would be expected at a fencing tournament. He was just relaxing, letting himself believe nothing could go wrong when a gauntlet was thrown in the middle of the arena. The crowd fell silent and Merlin froze. A few people chuckled, probably thinking it was a joke. Considering Merlin had three of Camelot's finest knights next to him...He wasn't so optimistic.

"Ah, and who does this belong to?" Marcus asked, taking off his helmet to step into the middle of the arena and grab the gauntlet. That...Was probably a mistake. Before Merlin could think of a way to intervene, Marcus was thrown across the room. The crowd gasped and immediately security rushed in.

"...oh no."

"Now _there's _someone we can cheer for!" Elyan said and clapped his hands "Great hit Percival!"

"Percival!"

"For the glory of Camelot my old friend!"

"Percival, _no!"_ Merlin choked out, immediately realizing what the problem was. Sure, Marcus Johnson was beloved by all of England - nay, all of Britain perhaps. He was a likeable guy who had been on the Ellen Show and donated to a lot of charities. Hell, he had a cameo in a few BBC shows.

...He did also look _a lot_ like King Cenred. You know, the one that brutally murdered Percival's entire family? Same guy. Merlin even did some research to see if the two were related somehow (it was actually very possible). Percival scowled, looking baffled by his surroundings, but more fixated on where Marcus was rolling on the floor.

The crowd roared in outrage, a few glaring at where the three knights were still cheering on Percival. 

"You fight in white armor now, old foe?" Percival demanded, yanking one of the fencing swords from another athlete's grasp "I was told you were _dead_. No doubt Morgause brought you back along with some other damned illusions." He yelled, gesturing around. Oh dear. Security was already here (and the cops had _definitely_ been called). Merlin would have to cause a distraction to get him out.

"PERCIVAL!" Gwaine shouted, dropping his popcorn to wave his hands in the air "OLD FRIEND! YOU HAVE MADE A MISTAKE! WE NO LONGER ARE IN CAMELOT!"

Right. Merlin was just going to set the flags on fire. That should get everyone's attention.

"Gwaine?" Percival asked, pausing in holding the sword to Marcus' throat to look into the crowd "I thought you were dead!"

"Me too!"

"Oh my God!" Someone else shouted "FIRE!"

Elyan and Leon both turned to look disapprovingly at Merlin. As if he were somehow misbehaving by trying to help their friend not get sent to jail forever. As it was he was probably going to still use all his magical knowledge to get them out of this. Maybe even erase some memories. Scowling back at them, he grabbed their arms and nudged Gwaine forward. God. Lancelot and Arthur were still left... How was he going to keep doing this?

* * *

It was meant to be _fun_.

Merlin really should have known better.

"I don't understand," Gwaine said looking around with his arms crossed. "This is supposed to be Camelot? It looks ridiculous!" He pouted as Leon nodded in agreement. Merlin rolled his eyes and handed them all a cup of Root Beer. Gwaine immediately dumped his out, having already been 'betrayed' by the 'fake, spicy ale' once before. Percival was the only one who seemed pleased by drink. Leon and Elyan each took one sip and made faces of clear dislike. Merlin had to remind himself they weren't used to such high amounts of sugar as he tried to explain what was happening around them.

"These people have no idea what Camelot was really like...This is a, uh...Game. Based on what they do know." He shrugged. Leon looked at where a man walked by with a plastic sword and pointed to it.

"They think our swords were made of such meager material? Ha!" He said and the other knights each gave a belittling chuckle as the man in question blinked in confusion at the group, holding the sword a little closer.

"No, they just can't use real swords." Merlin explained "Look, it's just a bunch of people playing dress up. It's enjoyable how wrong they get it." He promised and pointed to the most ridiculously dressed up man of them all "See? That's supposed to be Arthur." He said and the knights all turned in unison.

The man in question had ridiculously long hair that flowed past his shoulders and was held in place by a gaudy crown with an absurd amount of jewels. Along with the beautiful hair was an equally glorious beard that was braided. Other ornamental trinkets adorned him such as a cloak fastened by a large golden pendant on his shoulder and bracelets. Gwaine whistled.

"Arthur _wishes_ he looked like that." He said, holding up his hands to frame the man "Such...Elegance." He whispered before kissing his fingertips. The man in question rose his hands, silencing the crowd.

"Hello all!" He said loudly and Leon snorted at the fake accent "I am King Arthur of Camelot! And I would like to introduce you to the members of my roundtable." He said and there was a cheering among the crowd. Elyan opened his mouth.

"_Us?" _He said, putting a hand to his chest "Oh, how sweet. We've been remembered!" He said brightly and Merlin gave a slight shrug.

"Well..." He began, but fake-Arthur had already spoken again.

"SIR GAWAIN RISE!"

"Sir who?" Gwaine asked as a man dressed in a fake knight outfit rose "That's not how you say my name and - that is _not_ me!" He gasped, catching a glimpse of the the bald knight with the goatee who was accepting cheers and applause. "Oh God...Why have they done this?" He whispered. Merlin grimaced. Maybe this wasn't the best idea now that he thought about it...

"SIR PERCIVAL RISE!"

"Oh, he is not nearly big enough." Leon clicked his tongue as 'Percival' also stood up to join the ranks. "Also, he would _never_ wear that much armor. Ridiculous."

"SIR KAY RISE!"

"Who the Hell is that?" Percival asked. They all shrugged, ignoring the next man standing up. Merlin didn't have the heart to tell them that history painted the man as one of the more important knights of the round table...Also, he was realizing that Elyan and Leon were probably not going to be included in this... Maybe he should have just let them stay at home with the dogs. They all really liked the dogs. Plus, police were still bouncing around after that weird bank robbing and the last thing he needed was for any of the knights to be brought in for questioning over it.

"Um, maybe we should go..." He began, but froze when the last man rose.

"AND OF COURSE THERE IS SIR LANCELOT!" Fake-Arthur shouted as the crowded all erupted into cheers, bowing and offering praises.

"Oh, that one is perfect."

"Uncanny."

"He looks _just_ like the real Lancelot."

"That _is_ Lancelot." Merlin said in horror. The guy looked so ridiculously confused. Rightfully so. Merlin couldn't imagine a worse place to be brought to in the modern world. Imagine dying and awaking only to find people poorly impersonating your friends and most of the world as you know it made out of cardboard cutouts. Merlin ran a hand over his face. This wasn't working out as he had hoped.

"And, lastly...May introduce my dearest queen...Guinevere." Fake-Arthur announced, voice gentle as a blonde woman stepped to the center of the circle as the crowd oohed and awed. Lancelot blinked from where he was standing before clearing his throat.

"That's not Guinevere." He said, looking more alarmed at this woman being Gwen than anything else that was surrounding him at the moment. "This does not look a thing like the queen." He added and the crowd murmured. Fake-Percival puffed out his chest.

"Aye. I bethink not! You do not accept the fair Guinevere as the queen?" He demanded. Lancelot stared. “I reckon you would betray our king for her, no Lancelot?” 

"...what? Why are you speaking like that?"

"By my troth! I heard the words of God and speak them to thou now."

"I...I don't...Understand." Lancelot said, shaking his head and lowering his voice to a whisper "I don't understand."

"Just play along, dude." Fake-Percival sighed. Lancelot put a hand over his mouth, clearly trying to process everything. "Now! Why is this not the lovely Guinevere, Sir Lancelot? Tell us your woes and trials."

"Uh... Gwen had dark hair, sir. And dark eyes. Her hands were worn from her days as a servant and-"

"_Servant?"_ Fake-Arthur demanded "You call my dearest jewel a _servant__? _She is only a servant to myself and the lord, Sir Lancelot."

"We...Need to intervene." Merlin whispered. Luckily, the others seemed to agree. Unluckily, their idea of intervening wasn't the same as Merlin's.

"OUR QUEEN IS NO SERVANT TO YOU!" Gwaine yelled in outrage "SHE IS QUEEN AND SERVES NO ONE BUT HERSELF AND CAMELOT YOU CAPE WEARING FAKER!"

"Gwaine?" Lancelot asked, clearly relieved. The bald man cleared his throat.

"It is actually Ga-wain."

"Fuck you. No it isn't." Gwaine said, pointing his empty cup at him.

"You claim _this_ is an accurate representation of _my_ sister?" Elyan demanded, crossing his arms over his chest "Ridiculous. This child looks as if wind could blow her over."

"The fair Guinevere was _known_ to be light and dainty as all good women are, dear sir. And how could you claim to be blood to the queen? You don't have such a complexion."

Oh...Oh no. Oh no, no, no, no....

"What does _that_ mean?" Elyan asked and Merlin would have done something except he was kind of frozen at how badly his two worlds were clashing right now. He'd almost rather deal with an angry griffin.

"Guinevere was blonde, dude. She wasn't black." Someone yelled. There was a long pause before there were some gasps of outrage and disgruntled whispers. Merlin slowly turned to the knights who seemed shocked. "Fine." The guy rectified, probably sensing the tension he had caused among the crowd with the comment "She could have been black but-"

”Really? She's a fictional character, asshole. She can be black and this guy could be her brother as much as the pasty white guy. Get over yourself.” Someone else said. Merlin was just going to go ahead and assume he was the pasty white guy in question. Before an argument could break out, Leon stepped forward, face bright red in anger. 

"You...You dare...Imply our queen consorts with black magic?" He demanded. Damnit. Of course they didn't understand. "YOU SPEAK OF OUR QUEEN AS IF SHE HAD BLACKNESS IN HER HEART?!"

"YOU SPEAK OF OUR QUEEN THAT WAY?!"

"YOUR HEAD WILL BE THE PRICE FOR THAT!"

"DOWN WITH THE FAKE QUEEN!"

Okay. This was escalating too quickly. Merlin stood on top of a barrel, clapping his hands to gain everyone's attention. Lancelot saw him and waved. Before he could say anything, fake-Percival stepped forward.

"Down with the _fake_ queen?" He asked and Merlin took in a long breath. He could understand why the knights were upset. They were defending a real person who was super awesome. The actors though? They needed to be less intense about this. "Do you wish to quarrel with thee?"

"I'll take your thee and shove it up your fucking-"

Merlin stepped back down. He had every confidence that his friends wouldn't kill anybody...And he was tired. It was fine to just let whatever happens...Just happen. Merlin would argue that his friends weren't even the ones being the jerks in this situation. Besides, Leon and Percival's arrivals were much worse. Lancelot walked over, ignoring the rising tensions between the knights in the actors to sit next to Merlin.

"Merlin." He greeted casually "I am beginning to suspect I'm not in Camelot anymore." He said and Merlin gave a weak smile. He had missed his friend. If he had more energy he would hug him and launch into a tirade of how lonely the years had been.

"I made a whole presentation for you to look through that explains everything." He promised and took a breath "I promise, everything is fine." He said and Lancelot bit his lip, glancing over his shoulder for a moment as he mulled over Merlin's words.

"...I think I've made a mistake." He finally said. Merlin paused in sipping Root Beer to look at him. "When I first awoke...I was not here. I found myself a bit north and followed the signs that bore Arthur's name." He explained. Merlin nodded. That was fair. "The first place I was in..." He shuddered "It was horrible, Merlin. The things I saw..."

"What sort of things?"

"It was this building with many rooms. Inside the rooms were _children_." Lancelot shook his head, looking disgusted. "They were imprisoned. Forced to look at boards and sit without moving. I think evil magic was involved." He told him, putting a slight emphasis on evil to make sure Merlin understood. Merlin, for his part, was getting a little nervous about where this story was going. "I felt I had to help them. Who takes such young lives as prisoners?" Lancelot continued, seemingly horrified at the development. "So, I emptied out the building. I released the children and told them to run. Then, I subdued their prisoners and tied them outside."

...oh boy.

"I see. Well. If that's all you did-"

"And once the building was empty, I burned it down."

Suddenly, the fight behind them seemed like the least of his problems.

_"Damnit. _Lancelot you burned down a school. I trusted you!"

* * *

Arthur, of course, was last.

Merlin suspected he would make a dramatic entrance. He was a little worried that he would be the worst of them all by just reappearing and murdering a bunch of people. However, as time went on he didn't have a loud Arthur trying to kill the queen or scaring restaurant owners by demanding their best food and not paying (as Gwaine had done the one time Merlin took them out for lunch). It was...Suspicious.

Until Merlin saw him sitting at a bar.

It turned out...Arthur was the biggest jerk of them all.

"You're telling me," Merlin began, ignoring the bartender putting another drink in front of him "You've been here for an _entire bloody year?"_

Arthur gave what could have been an apologetic look as he sipped his beer, looking around to make sure nobody was eavesdropping before moving his stool a little closer to where Merlin was trying not to have a complete meltdown.

"Yeah...Um, Sorry?"

"What the Hell is wrong with you?!" Merlin yelled, which sounded much louder than he intended the with bar being close to empty "How did you even... How did you not freak out and do something horrible when you realized you weren't in Camelot?!" He demanded and Arthur carefully slid his drink away as Merlin hit the bar in annoyance. "I - were you there when each of the knights came? And left _me_ to do all the work?" He snapped, eyes narrowed. Of course. That was so Arthur he couldn't believe he hadn't considered the possibility sooner. "Where did you get the clothes? How did you get money? Or - _you have a debit card?"_ He asked, outraged as Arthur handed a plastic card to the bartender who seemed not to mind Merlin's inane screaming.

The worst part of it all was he seemed to casual about the whole thing. Merlin imagined confusion, obviously, but also some...Happiness? Excitement maybe? Arthur seemed pretty neutral about seeing him which kind of stung. He had waited _thousands_ of years for this moment only for Arthur to have greeted him with 'Ah. You found me.'

God. He was such an _ass._

"I...Okay." Arthur said, taking a deep breath before fully turning to him and placing a hand on each shoulder "Do you remember how I died?"

"Do I - ? I was _there!"_

"I know that," Arthur told him patiently and looked at him as if waiting for something to click. It did not. Merlin was too furious for anything to click. "Merlin."

"What?"

"I was stabbed by one of my own knights, told you have magic, spent the entire trip dying and digesting that information, watched you kill Morgana, and then died in your arms accepting you were a good person and that most of what I thought I had done myself couldn't have been done without you." Arthur told him dryly. "All those revelations I had back then - even if it was technically thousands of years ago - feels very recent, doesn't it? And I spent my entire first life making you hide, lie, and afraid - and you _still_ helped me. Do you have the general idea on why I didn't want to see you at first when I came back this time?" He asked. Merlin stared. He got the feeling Arthur was trying to make a point here but...Yeah, he couldn't see it.

"No. No I do not."

Arthur scowled at him.

"Well, you're still an ass." Arthur told him and Merlin gaped. _He_ was the jerk here? _Him? _How?_ How?_ "I want to do things right this time. I needed to figure out...Well. What the Hell was happening, first off." He said, looking around. "That was weird. And very...Overwhelming. But also, I needed to figure out what the Hell to do about you."

"As tragic as it is, you can't sentence me to death here."

"I know," Arthur sighed, but he caught the tips of his lips tugging upwards. "But that isn't what I meant. I don't want this to go like last time. If I had known _half_ of the things you kept from me then maybe..." He trailed off and Merlin looked down at his hands at that. "Not that I blame you." He added quickly "I definitely would have killed you if I had known. I'm just saying this feels like a clean slate and I want to make sure I'm not walking around with someone cleaning up my messes for me." He explained "The plan was, I was just going to appear at your house and have everything figured out and you wouldn't have to do anything."

Huh. Merlin narrowed his eyes.

That...Did make sense on some level, he supposed...And was a little sweet even. He wanted to ask how exactly he had managed to do all of this in the course of a year. Figuring out the modern world seemed like it would take many years. Let alone being as adjusted as Arthur seemed to be. He hadn't yet convinced Leon that the television wasn't filled with fairies.

"You know where I live?" He asked instead. Arthur shrugged.

"I woke up in your house."

Merlin hated him. He _hated_ him so much. God, he loathed this man. He was the worst. The absolute worst and he hated him. 

"You...My...?" He spluttered out, too angry to think of coherent words. Arthur's smile grew slightly.

"Yeah, that's also where I got the clothes!" He said brightly, tugging at his shirt, which - wait. Yeah! That was Merlin's shirt! What the Hell? "You were asleep every time I was there. I've also been eating your food."

Merlin buried his face in his hands.

"So...What I'm hearing is you _don't_ have it figured out?"

"I was getting close!" Arthur frowned indignantly "And I was going to pay you back...If you noticed." He added and Merlin sighed.

"I can't believe I waited a thousand years for you." He grumbled and Arthur stared at him blankly.

"What do you mean?"

Merlin stared. Arthur stared back. Huh. He was suddenly finding where the misunderstanding was here.

"...Arthur, I didn't come back from the dead. I've been alive this entire time." He said slowly and Arthur’s face went white. 

"You..." Arthur began, blinking slowly. "This _entire time?"_ He asked, voice rising a bit in outrage. Merlin nodded. "I...I hadn’t realized that.” He said, tapping a bit on the counter. “I thought you just came back earlier than the rest of us." Arthur spluttered and went quiet for a moment. "In that case - you're a mess."

"Excuse me?"

"You had thousands of years to figure out your life and you _still_ don't know how to wash clothes properly. There's even a machine to do it for you now!"

"Wait a minute-"

"And I know back in Camelot you were awful at following orders but I'm pretty sure the directions on how to put together a desk would benefit you."

"How many times have you been in my house?!"

Arthur shrugged, eyes bright as he grabbed a water and pushed it towards Merlin.

"I'm sorry.” He said sighed “If I had known you were here this whole time...I wouldn't have made you wait so long."

In reality, a year compared to the thousands of years before was nothing. It still felt nice to hear the apology though. He shrugged, running a hand through his hair as he smiled weakly at him.

"You're a jerk," Merlin informed him "But somehow easier to deal with the others. Leon punched a priest. Lancelot burned down a school." He said and instead of laughing it off, Arthur paused a little, looking down at his hands. Merlin frowned. "...what did you do?" He asked and Arthur shook his head. "Oh, God. What did you _do?"_ He asked and closed his eyes. "Just...Let me know so I can prepare myself if the cops come."

"I'm not sure if it was illegal." Arthur told him quickly "The person at the market allowed me to take them."

Merlin closed his eyes.

"You're the reason I have twelve dogs in my home, aren't you?"

Arthur nodded. Well, at least that was one mystery solved.

"I also think I robbed a bank."

"How did you not lead with that? What do you mean you _think-? _You know what? I'll deal with it later." Merlin said, taking a long breath. "Just...Welcome back." 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure what possessed me to write a second chapter to this other than me checking the comments and being hit with a missed opportunity at the end... So obviously I had to add a whole second chapter to rectify that lmao.

Arthur wasn’t really sure what was going on. 

One second he was dying in the arms of the sorcerer and the next he found himself in a bed with a floating light above him.

Now, Arthur was no expert on the afterlife by any means, but he felt he was a pretty logical person...And the logical conclusion to his surroundings was this:

He was in Hell. 

Or whatever ethereal realm there was to torture people after death. There was no other explanation. After all, it seemed like a just punishment for him to be forced to live among magic after all his crimes against sorcerers...And this strange place _was_ definitely a place of magic...maybe his father was wandering around here somewhere. Arthur imagined he was being chased by those awful looking magic boxes he saw in the street somewhere...Or perhaps trapped in the black cube along with those other poor souls. There were plenty of awful things to torture both him and Arthur. 

However, the worst part of his torment was the horrible demon walking around wearing Merlin’s face. 

Arthur had decided he was a demon due to following:

  1. He wasn’t wearing the stupid neckerchief that the real Merlin would wear. Only strange items of clothing that included horrible blue trousers with rather alarming looking metal contraptions and various tunics that just looked...Unsettling.
  2. This castle of his was huge. Sure, it wasn’t as large as Camelot’s castle, but the real Merlin could never afford so grand.
  3. His hair was longer than Arthur remembered. Demon.

So the prince knew if he were to survive in this hellhole he needed to avoid this shape shifting being at all costs. Unfortunately for him, this was rather hard to do. 

The truth of the matter was that if he wished to blend in with this strange, bizarre world then he’d need to watch fake-Merlin to learn their demonic ways. Also, this palace of his had food (even if it was strange and bad tasting) and a place to rest. 

It was a few weeks after he first awoke that he made his first friend...Or friends, rather. 

"Hello." He said, kneeling down in bafflement as he looked through a solid enchantment to find a dog peering back at him. Arthur frowned. He had seen plenty of questionable items since he had awoken, but he wasn’t sure dogs had a place among such evils. His hunting dogs had been nothing but loyal and sweet. "Has some sorceress trapped you here?" He asked, looking around the marketplace. For the most part, his disguise held up well. Nobody questioned him when he was wearing fake-Merlin’s clothes. However, there were a few who seemed to notice the dog in the window and came to coo and smile at it. 

Horrifying. How could they smile at an innocent creature trapped within the confines of magic? 

It took him a solid ten minutes, but eventually he found a weak spot in the spell and pushed himself through. A bell rang somewhere - perhaps alerting the sorcerer there was an intruder - but Arthur paid it no mind as he walked to the barking creature.

"His name is Shadow."

Arthur immediately spun around, reaching for a sword that wasn’t there, only to find a small woman looking at him.

"Excuse me?”

"His name is Shadow," She said, nodding to the dog "We have others if you want to look at those. I’m guessing you want puppies?"

Arthur stared.

"I don’t understand."

"Well, you know, most families want puppies so they can raise them...And obviously they’re cute and stuff." The woman sighed, dumping a bag on the counter. "Those are out back. We have plenty of older dogs too though. If you want one of those you better pick one fast. My boss says we can’t keep them much longer.” She sighed and walked over to kiss the side of Shadow’s head. Shadow wagged his tail. 

"You’ll let them go then?"

"I wish.... We have to send them to the pound. If they don’t get adopted there they’ll probably get put down." She said. Arthur made a face. Of course they would. What a vile Hell this was. It was a little disheartening to think he was judged to spend all eternity here. 

Except...

"You mean...They’ll die?" He asked, tilting his head "How can they die?" 

You can’t just die twice. That wasn’t right.

"I know...It’s awful." The woman told him, not really answering the question. "Here, I’ll show you the others. Bailey is over there. We think she’s part poodle cause of those ears, but who knows? And Beans is the tiny one," She added. Arthur stared. The dog was so...Small. Could dogs be that small? "Peanut is the one with one leg - she’s a really good cuddler - and Bo is-"

"How many dogs will be sent away?" Arthur interrupted. 

"Oh, um. Twelve, I think." The woman told him with a frown. Arthur nodded.

"I will take them."

There was a pause. 

"....all of them?"

"Yes."

Another pause. 

"Right now?"

"Yes," Arthur told her and patted Peanut’s head. "I need good souls with me as I make my way through this vile realm."

"You can say that again," The woman snorted and walked over to a weird looking box on the counter "Well, you’re a good man. It’ll be expensive though." She warned. Arthur furrowed his brows.

"Oh, I don’t have money....why would I need money here?” He asked. There was an economy in the afterlife? Boy. They couldn’t have gotten Avalon more wrong.

"Dude," the woman frowned at him, tilting her head "I can’t just give you twelve dogs.”

"Why not? They’ll be sent away if you don’t. You give them to this...This pound for free." He reasoned. The woman rose her brows, giving a slight tilt of her head at that. Silence followed. 

"....you know what? I’m not paid enough to pretend like that isn’t legit. Go ahead." She shrugged and turned away. Arthur beamed. Only for a moment though as he noticed a flash of ink catch his attention. 

"I haven’t seen that symbol before." He told her and reached over to gesture to her arm "Are you a Druid?"

"A what?" The woman blinked and let her fingers flutter to her forearm "Is that a code word or something? I’m gay if that’s what you mean."

It wasn’t, but Arthur could run with it. 

"Is that the gay symbol then?" He asked, gesturing again to her arm. She looked down. 

"Bro, this is a tattoo of John Lennon."

"....is he your king?"

"I mean...I like the Beatles’ music, I guess." She said and shook her head "Listen, you have to take the dogs before my boss gets here. Hurry up." She told him and with one last shake of the head, disappeared behind a wall of caged birds. Arthur turned to Shadow. 

"I might not be where I think I am."

* * *

So Arthur was alive. 

This became clear when he was taking the dogs back and found one of those people in a box talking about a bunch of people who died in a plane crash (whatever that was). 

Arthur, being the logical man he was, knew if you were dead you couldn’t just die again. So that meant he was alive. 

Somehow this situation was worse.

It also made him wonder about fake-Merlin. Could there be a chance it was real Merlin who also thought he was dead and trying to blend in? He was a sorcerer...Perhaps he thought he was in a sorcerer’s afterlife and didn’t realize they had been transported to....Whatever the fuck this bullshit was. 

He figured he would wait and see. At any rate, he wasn’t completely demonic because he didn’t seem to completely oppose the dogs Arthur had snuck into his palace. 

"....what?" He had said when he saw Bo lying on the bed. "But how - _what?"_ He demanded as he turned to see Shelia rolling around on the floor. "Why?! I didn’t summon you! Did I summon you? Oh my God...I just made dogs appear. I haven’t done this before. Fuck. How do I - _How many of there are you?!"_ He shrieked. 

Arthur looked down at where Beans was sitting in his lap. 

"I wouldn’t come out yet if I were you." He whispered from their hiding spot. 

It was about another week later that Arthur got a real explanation for what the Hell was going on. 

"...this isn’t Camelot," Merlin was saying. "Gwaine, listen...You died. It’s been thousands of years since Camelot even existed."

Gwaine stared. From where he was sitting under the table, Arthur felt his mouth drop. 

"But..." Gwaine began "I don’t look like I’m a day over twenty."

"You were twenty-five when you died."

"That isn’t the point, Merlin."

Merlin. So it really was Merlin then. He must have come back before Arthur. It was unfortunate, really. Merlin was probably even more bewildered than Arthur was to wake up in a place like this...And to adapt so quickly! The man had a palace - er, house, apparently - and dressed as others did and seemed to know what he was doing. Perhaps his magic aided him. 

Still. Arthur felt...Guilty. Especially as he watched him guide Gwaine through the process. He seemed so calm and practiced at it. Probably because he had done it even back in Camelot with Arthur. Only Arthur hadn’t realized it then. 

It wouldn’t be like this time, though. Arthur swore it. He would take care of himself and Merlin wouldn’t have to worry so much. It could be an apology forcing him to live in hiding and fear while in Camelot...or at least part of an apology. 

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No, Leon. You cannot marry her. She’s already married."

”But if I challenge her husband to a duel-"

"That’s not a thing anymore. Besides, you don’t even know if she wants to marry you." Merlin pointed out. Leon blinked, looking slightly offended. 

"Well, I was certainly going to ask if she wanted to....but you won’t allow me to speak with her!"

"I cannot just call Beyoncé to ask if she wants to marry you, Leon. I’m sorry."

"I’ve seen you use that magic device to call other people!" Leon said with a note of accusation as he pointed to what Merlin had called a ‘cellphone’ earlier. "Don’t lie to me!"

Merlin buried his face in his hands, looking close to tears. Arthur nodded and picked up the pen and paper he had stolen to make a note: _can’t marry people without calling them on cellphones first._

He was _nailing_ this. 

* * *

Arthur didn’t often go to Merlin’s house anymore. It was too risky. Especially because Merlin seemed to notice something was off. His ramblings seemed to blame his magic or maybe Leon or Gwaine, but Arthur knew that wouldn’t do the trick forever. 

Which is why he found himself a roommate or...a variety of roommates. 

Now, apparently in modern times there were a plethora of Geoffrey and Gaius-type people about. Most of them went to an institution of some sort to gather the needed knowledge. It was all too easy to find one crying in a room books and knight them. All he had to do was take some of Merlin’s food and lure them over. Then, eventually, after introducing them to Shadow and telling them his best stories one of them would take him their palace so he could stay there a couple days. It was great. He also learned a lot about the modern world from his new knights. For example, there was a magical potion you could take to keep you from falling asleep - and it came in all sorts of flavors! Also, he learned the system was rigged and the whole thing was a pyramid scheme...Whatever that meant. 

At any rate, they taught him many important things including what a credit card was. 

"There’s also debit cards and gift cards and stuff. My dad says I should get a credit card though so I can start building credit, you know?" Ryder was explaining. Arthur nodded. 

"And...how do you procure such a card?" 

"The bank. That’s another pyramid scheme right there.” Ryder muttered and ran a hand over his face "God, this history class is killing me. I’m trying to get my degree in engineering. I don’t need to know history. We're supposed to learn that stuff in primary school." He said, wrinkling his nose. He turned to Arthur. “Do you happen to know who King Arthur’s wife was?”

"Guinevere."

“....you know that, but not what a credit card is? I guess the school system failed you too.”

"It’s a pyramid scheme?” Arthur guessed. Ryder pointed his pencil at him. 

"Ex-fucking-actly.”

So now Arthur was at a bank.

He had thought, in theory at least, that banks held the gold and jewels much like the vaults under his castle did. Apparently not. Apparently, it was just a bunch of people at computers who typed in stuff and Arthur had to use his imagination to trust that these people were actually giving him money. 

“Hi," He said, walking up to one woman “I would like a credit card.” 

“Alright, what’s your account number?”

“My what?” 

“Account number. And name please.”

Arthur frowned. He wasn’t sure why that was relevant to him getting some money. He looked around the room, uncertain. 

“Um...Arthur?” He tried. The woman nodded as if expecting him to continue. “Pendragon...”

The woman stared, brows coming together as Arthur waited patiently for her to pull out the plastic card he had seen so many other people carry around. There was a pause. 

“Arthur...Pendragon. Like the guy from the legends?” She said slowly. Arthur scowled. He wasn’t a legend, but whatever. Before he could launch into a small tirade on that front, the doors banged open. 

“HANDS IN THE AIR! NOBODY MOVE!” A voice shouted. Arthur turned, a little annoyed at the interruption. A man in a ridiculous looking mask stepped inside with a duffel bag slung over his shoulder. “YOU!” He added, fixing Arthur with a hard look. “Hands. Air. Before I take this knife and shove it down your throat. And you need to get me my money, sweetheart." He added to the woman who had stumbled away from her desk in alarm. 

“But I need to get a credit card," Arthur objected, looking the man up and down "Besides, these vaults have no real riches. It’s a pyramid scheme.” He informed him and turned back to the lady. “I don’t know what an account number is.”

“Hey, fucking pretty boy. Do you want to get stabbed?”

“You’re holding the knife wrong.” Arthur informed him. The woman was chanting under her breath for Arthur to shut up, but honestly. Why was she scared of this man? He was hardly a daunting foe compared to his sister.

In the end, Arthur got his credit card. Mainly because the woman said he could just have it if he got rid of the annoying guy with the knife. So after subduing him he got his card and went on his merry way. 

Unfortunately, he later received some bad news. 

“I can’t believe some asshole robbed the national museum.” Ryder was saying as he looked at his phone with a frown “Who even does that?” 

“Robbed?” Arthur repeated “Like...Steal?” He asked to clarify. Ryder nodded. 

“Yeah. There was also a bank robbing today too.” He shook his head. Arthur blinked. But he had subdued the man! He hadn’t been able to steal anything! Perhaps another villain came along and robbed the place. That was possible.

Unless.... 

“...are you supposed to pay for these credit cards?” He asked suspiciously. He thought back to the woman's look of fear as she handed him the card. He had assumed it was for the other man, but he supposed she _did_ just watch him beat someone up.

“What?" Ryder asked "I mean, kind of? Not like, pay, but you need to have an account number-“

“I think I robbed a bank then.”

“Dude, what?” 

* * *

TVs were so confusing. Apparently some stuff on it was real and some stuff wasn’t. Arthur didn’t fucking know. All he knew was that he needed to know if what he was seeing now was real. 

"WHO IS HE?!"

"THE MAN JUST THREW MARCUS JOHNSON ACROSS THE FUCKING ROOM!"

“Percival?” Arthur asked as he watched his friend appear on screen. Layla and Ryder both turned to him. “That looks like Percival.” He added, narrowing his eyes at the screen. He wouldn’t be surprised. Elyan was back as well now. He felt a stab of bitterness as he watched the screen dissolve into chaos. He missed his friends...

Still, his resolve was strong. He now had a credit card and Ryder promised not to tell anyone about the bank thing. Life was looking up. 

“Holy shit,” Layla said as she gasped and pointed at the screen “That’s the guy that crashed my AA meeting and - _Merlin?!"_ She choked when the camera swung the direction of the knights cheering loudly for Percival while Merlin sat, watching it all with horrified eyes. 

“You know Merlin too?” Arthur asked, a little surprised. Layla and Ryder turned to him again. "He was my servant.” Arthur tried to explain. Neither of the expressions cleared at that. Arthur wrinkled his nose. “Do you not have servants here?” 

“Ryder, where the fuck did you find this guy?” 

“I don’t know. He offered me some Doritos.” 

* * *

Arthur felt horrible for wanting to laugh. 

He was watching the field from a bench, hood up so his face with covered and sunglasses obscuring his eyes. Perhaps Merlin’s magic sensed something because a few times Arthur felt the gaze burning into his side before looking a way with a frown and pinched brows. Unfortunately for Merlin, the knights were stealing his attention away.

“I can’t believe you said that, Leon.” Gwaine was saying as he whipped his hair back to better glare at the other man. Leon did look a little guilty as she shuffled his feet, eyes fixed on the sky as the others continued to berate him.

“The modern world has made you rude.”

“Ever since you’ve discovered Beyoncé you just think you’re better than us, don’t you?” Elyan was saying from his spot, holding the ball under his arm with a scowl. Merlin was biting his lip, looking around warily as a few people passed by with curious looks. Arthur couldn't help but grin. Leon's comment had been unnecessary, but Arthur could see how it came about. His men were always quite competitive with one another. It shouldn't have surprised him that this argument came about.

“I’m just saying!” Leon told them with a pout “I meant no disrespect. You all died honorably-“

“Then maybe Elyan and I should be team captains because we died for Arthur long before you did!” Gwaine snapped “Right?”

“Well....” Percival said and everyone turned to him “I don’t know. Leon has a point. Maybe the people who lived the longest should be team captains.” 

“Fine,” Gwaine muttered and took the ball from Elyan “Merlin is captain then, you prick.” 

“I’m referee.” Merlin objected “Listen, football is kinda a big deal now so I just want you guys to have the rules down. This doesn’t have to be... Like this.” He reasoned. Immediately the knights frowned at him.

“I thought it was soccer.”

“Well, that’s what Americans call it-"

"Are we in America, Leon?" Gwaine asked loudly. "Is that where you think we are? Is that why you think you should be rewarded for not dying at a young age and living until...When did you die?" He asked. Leon shrugged.

"Thirty."

"God. _Thirty._ You were ancient." Gwaine muttered. Percival tilted his head at the other man, looking at Leon with consideration before giving him a thumbs up. Gwaine swatted his hand away.

"Or," Elyan tried "Maybe whoever died the best death should be team captain."

"_No-_" Merlin choked immediately, but it was too late. Gwaine was already outlining the details of why his death was the best while Percival tried to loudly proclaim that nobody had even _asked_ about his death before and that was rude so be default he should be team captain. Arthur looked at his watch. It didn't seem like they were actually going to get around to playing anytime soon. Merlin had seemed to given up at any rate. The warlock just sighed before glancing around once more and letting his eyes flash gold, knocking the ball to out of Elyan's hands so he could retrieve it.

Maybe Arthur could ask one of his new friends to explain the game to him.

* * *

“....don’t say it. Don’t you dare say it.” Arthur warned. The man in front of him sniffed, seemingly undeterred by the fact Arthur had him tied up in ropes. “I just want your name.” He said as soothingly as he could. The man narrowed his eyes. 

“I am Arthur Pendragon of Camelot-“

“NO! Damnit!” Arthur shouted as he paced the length of the tent “I’m Arthur of Camelot. Why are you lying?!” He yelled. The man took a long breath. 

“You are a fool to capture me, foe. For my knights come to aid me this very second. Sirs Lancelot and Gawain-"

“That’s not even how you say his name.”

“And Percival and Kay-“

“I don’t even know who that last guy is.” 

“And they will avenge my capture with the power of God and Camelot.” The man said. Arthur sat down across from him, putting a hand over his mouth as he attempted to process all of this. “Free me now and we might let you live.” 

“I’m going to level with you here,” Arthur finally sighed “I’m not sure what’s going on, but you mentioned a Guinevere out there when you were making the real Knights of the Round Table mad.” He explained. “Do you know if she’s here? If so, I need to know where she’s at because all I know how to cook is Ramen right now and I can’t keep stealing Merlin’s food forever.” 

“You ask for my wife?”

“Well, she’s my wife, actually-“

“LIES!” 

“I’m not lying!” Arthur scowled and held up his hand “See! See, there’s my wedding ring! Do you have a wedding ring?” He demanded. The man looked down at where his hands were tied pointedly. Arthur made a face. “Fine. Maybe you do. That proves nothing.” 

The man sniffed and leaned back in his chair. Arthur jutted out his chin in response. 

“....why is your hair so long?” He finally asked “And you’re wearing so many jewels. Do people think I really looked like this?” He asked and rolled his eyes. “It isn’t very accurate.”

Immediately the condescending look on the man's face slipped into something of affront. 

“Um, actually,” He told him, voice much sharper and with less of an accent now “This _would_ be what King Arthur looked like if he were alive. I’ll have you know I read Colin Emrys’ entire work on the Arthurian legends and it said-“

“Wait. Emrys?” Arthur interrupted. The man nodded. “...this Emrys wrote a book about King Arthur?”

“I mean. Yeah? Like a hundred years ago or something.” 

Oh. Okay, that must be a coincidence then. For a moment, Arthur actually thought Merlin might have written an entire anthology of lies about him just to be annoying.

“It’s really good. Emrys basically says in his prologue that everyone is super wrong about the Arthurian legends anyways so he might as well add to the nonsense, but then he gives pretty accurate accounts of what it would have been like.” 

Arthur frowned. He had wanted to find Gwen, but he found himself distracted by the wariness rising as he continued listening to this bizarrely dressed man in front of him. 

“...and what does he say about Arthur?”

“Oh, well, he’s one of the few that don’t look on him that favorably. It says that while he was a great king that he was also lazy and arrogant and didn’t give people a day off or something.”

...maybe Merlin had salty descendants that Arthur hadn’t known about. 

* * *

“YOU ARE A LIAR, ELYAN!”

“NO! YOU’RE JUST A COWARD!” 

“IT ISN’T FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS YOU FUCKING IMBECILE!”

“Um,” Merlin said from his place at the table “Guys, I think you’re taking this too seriously-“

“No,” Lancelot interrupted with a frown as he picked up a piece of paper and jabbed at something written down “Gwaine might be right. He isn’t supposed to charge that much.”

“Excuse me?” Elyan gasped “I own it. It’s mine. I can charge what I want. That’s how capitalism works. Isn’t that right, Merlin? Tell them. That’s what you said. You said-“

“Surely that can’t be right,” Leon frowned “Merlin also said there are laws to regulate such things-“

“No,” Elyan said stubbornly “It’s mine and now there’s capitalism and I like capitalism. You’re just mad because you’re poor.” 

“Oh my God,” Merlin groaned “Guys, I didn’t want there to be a political debate about this. I was just trying to show you how the economy and government works now-“

“Arthur would be ashamed of you,” Percival cut in as he took the paper from Lancelot “I still think monarchy is the way to go. It gets too complicated with all these systems and monopolies-“ 

“If you think about it,” Leon said, tapping his chin “Arthur might actually have been a proponent of such systems. He liked the idea of moving people up in rank if it was deserved. That’s how you lot got knighted.” He pointed out “Plus, he valued other opinions. One could say he might prefer democracy.” 

“What does this have to do with Elyan being a bitch?” Gwaine said “I hate capitalism. It isn’t fair at all! It isn’t my fault I didn’t start out with as much money as you! Why do you expect me to pay the same as all you whiny elitists?”

“It is just Monopoly,” Merlin whispered “You landed on Pennsylvania Avenue, Gwaine. I’m sorry.” 

“BUT HE CAN’T CHARGE FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS!” Gwaine yelled, pounding his hand on the table. “It’s cheating! It’s cheating and I won’t stand for it!” 

“Is it dollars or pounds?” Lancelot asked offhandedly. “I still don’t get that.” 

“Americans call it dollars, I think.”

“Why?”

“Because their money is different. Theirs have their kings on it or something.” 

“No, I meant why are Americans involved in literally everything?” 

“Guys!” Merlin yelled and took a long breath “Let’s...Let’s just take a break.”

“Not until Gwaine gets over being poor and gives me my money.” Elyan insisted as he crossed his arms over his chest “I spent most of my first life poor. I don’t intend to be so my second go around.”

“This is a game you asshat!”

Arthur ran a hand over his face from his spot in the closet. He might need Ryder to explain this all to him again. This was beginning to sound like another pyramid scheme. 

* * *

Merlin was mad at him. 

Which....Okay. That was fair. Arthur had been hiding out for a year secretly figuring out the modern world while letting the other man do the heavy lifting when it came to the rest of the knights.

But, also, like, Arthur did a great job getting his life together? Why couldn't Merlin talk about that? It wasn't like Arthur had realized Merlin had been lurking around _whole time_. He tried to imagine what it would be like waiting for hundreds of thousands of years, waiting for someone to come back from the dead. Guilt ebbed in his stomach.

"You're a jerk," Merlin informed him. Arthur bit his lip. "But somehow easier to deal with the others. Leon punched a priest. Lancelot burned down a school." He said and Arthur tried to fight back a smile at that. He had heard...A thing or two about the returns of his knights. However, he knew he wasn't _entirely_ innocent. The credit card seemed to mock him from where it sat on the counter in front of him. He looked down at his hands. "...what did you do?" Merlin asked and Arthur shook his head. "Oh, God. What did you _do? _Just...Let me know so I can prepare myself if the cops come."

The cops hadn't come for him yet. It was fine. Maybe.

"I'm not sure if it was illegal." Arthur told him quickly "The person at the market allowed me to take them."

Merlin closed his eyes.

"You're the reason I have twelve dogs in my home, aren't you?"

Arthur nodded - though he would admit that wasn't really what he was worried about. The dogs could have _died_ otherwise. Whether or not it was legal seemed irrelevant. The credit card on the other hand...

"I also think I robbed a bank."

Arthur would learn, much later, that he didn't. Which was surely a relief, but he kind of wished he did just to see Merlin's face of pure panic again as he spluttered out outraged words and choking noises. Arthur was about to explain in detail when suddenly there was a gasp behind him.

"_Arthur?"_

"Gwaine?" He asked, leaning back to see his knight in the doorway. "Oh, hello Layla." He added to the girl beside him who was staring at the bar in clear exasperation while a group of ten others peered over her with a variety expressions from horror to glee. "What are you you doing here?"

"I have come to prove my gall to these non-believers. Our drinking contest shall be written about in the next Ed Sheeran song!" He replied happily "Come join us! Merlin didn't tell us you came back already-"

"GWAINE!" Merlin shouted, practically falling off of the bar stool. "No - _fuck_, no! You cannot take the AA group to the fucking-" He began and turned to the others "I am so sorry."

"I don't know how he found all of us," Layla said "He just appeared in my ethics class."

"Your lecturer was welcomed to do join us." Gwaine added. "He could have told us of his tales of ethics over a good pint." He said and tapped the bar "Hello there. We would like to order-"

"Arthur," Merlin said and pulled him off of the stool "You deal with this. It's your turn and you let me deal with this for a year so you make it stop, I swear to-"

As happy as he was to have his friends back... Part of him wondered if he might miss being on his own.

"Gwaine," Arthur interrupted "Maybe we should try a more harrowing challenge...I hear you have yet to try my hand in the game you call 'Monopoly'."

"I don't deserve this." Merlin whispered.

Nah. Arthur figured if he was going to be in a modern ethereal Hell...He would rather do it with a bunch of assholes who burned down schools and beat up national heroes on television...He really hoped Albion was ready for them.

"No, no, no...No. We aren't going that after last time. Gwaine. Gwaine, we are _not_ doing that again-"

Because even after thousands of years...Merlin still wasn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If Arthur doesn't understand something then it is immediately a pyramid scheme. I'm sorry I don't make the rules.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, if things like Christianity and racism weren't expressed in the show then imma just pretend they don't exist in that universe until later on (obligatory disclaimer: in real life those things existed in the 5th and 6th century). I think the alcohol thing is legit though. It was only wine and mead back then i'm pretty sure.


End file.
